Updated: Apr 9, 2020
My emotional roller coaster continues. One day I'm so grateful and the next day I'm struggling to keep it all together.
Today, I'm getting real about some stuff going on in my heart. It's Holy Week - the week before Easter, the greatest celebration of my faith and I am struggling. I don't feel celebration, or aw, or even the desire to sit in my living room with my family on Sunday and listen to a sermon digitally over my computer screen. If I'm honest I'd rather wallow and eat Cadbury Eggs and Reeses Peanut Butter cups (but I digress).
Honestly, I've barely sat and watched a sermon over my computer screen throughout this whole ordeal. It feels like yet another reminder of how we are apart, not together, and I have realized it just hurts.
Corporate worship has gone through a lot of different seasons for me, but the older I get the more I recognize the incredible dynamic of a body of believers (who may not even be know each other) coming in worship together. I sense a difference in my person - especially if it has been absent for a few weeks. Corporate worship definitely has a significant place in my daily walk as a Christian. So watching a screen - like I do my phone or television - just doesn't feel the same.
You may judge my heart, my sin here. I only express it because unlike so many of my Christian friends - I'm not posting our family watching church every Sunday during this pandemic because, well, we aren't. And yes, I feel guilty over this. We have had a lot of conversations about God, the situation, our responsibility, and I personally, have had highs and lows spiritually throughout this season in my own faith walk.
Now, the jury is still out on what we will decide to do this Sunday. I'm still not sure, but I will tell you that in my wrestlings I have prayed and asked God to show me the heart of my suffering.
One, If I'm honest, I don't like this. It causes so much anxiety, hurt. I don't like the unknown. I don't like avoiding people. I don't like wondering what next month will look like financially, will we be able to resume some normalcy? I don't like this disruption. I don't like seeing people hurting and suffering, people dying. And in my childish heart - when I get right down to it - I point at God and say, you could keep this from happening (actually a conversation my daughter has asked of me several times, "Mom, why did He allow this to happen?").
Two, I felt like God was asking me if I thought and believed that He could change the situation, give scientist the vaccine, rid our earth of this plague. I'll be honest, my answer was "Yes, Lord, I believe you can, I just believe you won't."
And there it was... the deep, seeded thing in my heart that is honestly still there. God actually brought it to me yesterday during what I call a "conversation with Him." And it has me pondering. This week - Holy Week - God gave the greatest gift in Christ dying on the cross for our sins. The most incredible, powerful and amazing gift and somehow I just don't believe He cares enough to help get us to the other side of this where we are healthy and well? Even as I write, it feels asinine, even hypocritical.
But you know what, God is teaching me this is my view too much of the time. I take His blessings for granted so much so that I fail to see what He has given, how He has provided. I don't receive what He gives as a gift. I take it like it is owed.
And I only share my heart because we aren't supposed to feel this way. Good Christians don't doubt God, or avoid church, or question His motives. Good Christians say the right things and believe the right things. Good Christians insist their kids sit in front of screens during worldwide pandemics and participate in church online. Guess what? I'm not that kind of Christian. I have a wretched heart who gets angry with God and avoids church or prayer or Bible study when I'm struggling. I am a broken person with sin and worry and too much of an "I'm in control" attitude.
And my guess is, we all are - so instead of "playing" along with the traditions of Easter this week I've decided to be honest (and honestly, no judgement if you are feeling the opposite. I'm grateful this is where your heart is because I wish it was where my heart was too). Because the purpose of the cross, my need for God is rooted in the fact that at my core I usually won't have it right.